It is a beautiful day to be outside. I’ll be spending part of the afternoon cutting grass. It’s overdue and I need to be in the fresh air.
Have you ever felt a longing for something but you weren’t sure what it was you wanted? I’ve been pondering that most of this morning. Most of this week I’ve been putting it down to nostalgia, and I’m sure that is at least part of what I’m feeling. I know that is the reason I’m listening to Jefferson Airplane while working away on the keyboard right now. I can’t help feeling, however, that there is something underlying the nostalgia. There is something more than the time of year and missing campus life, or missing autumn in Auburn, or…or maybe it is missing lost youth. There is certainly an element of sadness in nostalgia. There is a realization that Thomas Wolfe was right, no matter how much you want to prove him wrong.
I didn’t have much of a mid-life crisis, but I seem to be having a late-life mental crisis. I don’t mean I’m having a mental breakdown, just that I’ve been spending time trying to knit together the past with the present, finding parallels in the large and small happening in the world and in life, trying to see the big picture in the small happenings. Trying to not bore the pants off anyone reading my posts, but likely failing miserably.
One of the things I realized this morning was that I miss the excitement of change. I miss the freshness you feel that comes from moving to a new city. I’ve spent more time in Lafayette than in anyplace else I’ve ever lived. My dad never wanted to move from Rolling Prairie, and I respected that choice. Most of his friends lived in or around Rolling. I left there many years ago and made friends, not many but some, every place that I lived. Each time I moved to a new city I met new people, found new places that entertained me, reinvented myself in some ways. I’ve added new layers of personality over the years, but lately I feel that I’ve only added layers of lacquer, preserving a sameness rather than adding newness. What shall I do?